I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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