we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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