wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
