Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
