I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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