He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
