Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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