Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
