Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
