everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
