Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
did you just send me my own nude
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
