i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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