My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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