Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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