I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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