I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
