are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
