She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
