Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
