It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
