I could have mohawked her pubes.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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