I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
