They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
