you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
