I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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