So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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