My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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