i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
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Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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