ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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