I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
