Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
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how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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