Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
