Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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