i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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