I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Oh god it's open bar.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
