I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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