I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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