I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
