Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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