I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize