I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
