Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
