How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
