It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
