P.S. I can't hear my feet
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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