hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
