it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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