I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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