the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
