He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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