I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
