The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
