Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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