This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
